| Dinah's Story |
She Bet On Herself And Won
My name is Dinah and I have been smoke free for a year and a half. I started smoking when I was 14 and kept smoking for 22 years. I smoked heavy, 2 packs per day. To tell the truth, I enjoyed every damn cigarette I ever smoked. That said, I am now extremely grateful to be free from the nightmarish hell that is nicotine addiction.
Some folks don't think of smoking as a serious addiction, like alcoholism, cocaine or speed addicition. But I knew it was a death trap from the beginning, I had to watch my Dad die of lung cancer. Even with a large and ever growing tumor, he still could not give up smoking. My Mother described how she had to watch him suffocate in his own thick lung fluid. His mind said live, she told him it was okay to die. He died on Christmas day. Even after going through this terrible time, I could not quit. But I knew I did not want to die this way. Even more, I did not want my family to to go through what I had to.
I felt guilty and ashamed that I was still smoking. Toward the end of my smoking days, I felt the desire to quit smoking. However, I had no clue how to overpower the addiction. "I know I have to quit smoking, but how?" I knew all the reaons to quit smoking; improved health, wellness, longer life, save money, better job, better relationships, more attractive... These did not matter while I was under the sway and grip of nicotine! I needed to know how to quit, and then to stay quit.
I want to share with others how I quit. God helped me, I joined a support group, and I read and posted to the No Smoke Cafe. I was not able to plan an exact quit date. Each time I thought about setting a quit date, I would become very nervous and uptight, and actually smoked more! So, I surprised myself, and this little miracle became a victory.
In the 22 years that I smoked, I only quit once, for 31 days. My husband and I were fighting a lot that month, I felt like I was tied up in knots. One Friday evening I ran out of smokes. I decided to bet myself that I could go without cigarettes for the whole weekend, and went to bed. Saturday morning, I applied an old nicotine patch from the cupboard. I started to itch, and my skin reacted just terrible, but I kept it on all day, and did not smoke. I suffered some delirium, and dared not drive anywhere.
On Sunday, I still felt like I was dreaming, but I noticed my breath tasted better. My family had not noticed that I wasn't smoking, because I never smoked around them anyways. When I told them what I was doing, they said 'Great!', and went on about their day. I on the other hand, felt like pulling my hair out.
Monday morning, feeling proud of my weekend accomplishment, I bought a pack of cigarettes and lit one up. It did not taste the same, nor did I feel the same. An hour later, I lit another cigarette. Again, I felt different about myself and the cigarette seemed out of place.
For the first time in my life, I willingly made it two days without smoking, and survived the experience. I gave the cigarettes to a friend at work, asking her to get rid of them for me because I could not. At lunch hour, I looked up a nicotine anonymous meeting. Then I called my husband to tell him of my decision to finally quit. I felt nervous, excited, and somewhat elated.
Honestly, looking back now, that first year was hell on me and people around me. I tried to quit 'Gracefully', there was nothing graceful about it, besides the 'miracle of Grace' in actually quitting. I fought tooth and nail against cravings, bad attitude, and anxiety. Every single morning I would have to decide whether or not to smoke that minute, that hour, that day. My mind would pop the question, "Time for a smoke?" It was horrible. Some people are free from cravings and thoughts of smoking in weeks, mine lasted 9 months before they started to leave.
I focused what was in front of me. I chewed straws, chose hot and spicy foods, and used Halls mentho-lyptus. I snacked a lot, bitched a lot, slept more and took naps. I did'nt feel like a very happy camper. I quit using the patch because they were just pumping more nicotine into this miserable body.
Each 'first-time' activity (without smoking), boosted my self-esteem, and strengthened my hope in the future. "First Christmas, first ballgame, first meeting, first birthday, first summer...' I gained a lot of weight, but decided this was a necessary evil to defeat the greater devil. I felt a new understanding for people with weight problems. I vowed to lose this weight down the line after I felt stronger. I used the simple sayings from the 12 step program, went to meetings and helped newcomers, and read and posted to quit smoking chat rooms.
I now felt free to visit non-smoking places, even felt drawn to them and the people there. My life before had been centered around places I could smoke. Bookstores, theaters, coffee houses, church clubs, museums, and art galleries now seemed to open their doors invitingly to me. I avoided friends who smoked, and shortened contact with family that smoked. Big changes were necessary to preserve my new life free from smoking.
One important thing I try to remember is that if I become hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, smoking becomes more inviting. I smoked to deal with these feelings for 22 years, it will take years to learn new ways to live in peace with myself. Also, problems and stress are a part of life, I just don't smoke at them today.
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